What if the key to being a more powerful leader… was learning how to feel more, not less?
That’s the question Shermin, a globally recognized negotiation consultant and author of Stoic Empathy, is helping the world answer. And it’s not just theory—her story begins in the middle of war.
Born in Iran just two years before the revolution, Shermin grew up in a world where survival meant suppressing your identity. Her earliest training in emotional regulation came from watching her parents protect her from trauma staying calm in the middle of missile attacks so she wouldn’t be scarred for life.
That same training would eventually shape her life as a law professor, board advisor, and TEDx producer helping leaders and change-makers craft ideas that influence.
But her biggest breakthrough came from fusing two things that most people think are opposites.
Stoicism vs. Empathy: Why We Need Both (Not Just One)
Walk into any bookstore and you’ll notice it—stoicism books sit on one shelf, empathy books on another. And they’re often divided by gendered marketing, too. (Think: Ryan Holiday vs. Brené Brown.)
But what if they’re not opposites?
Shermin’s work explores what happens when you combine both. Stoicism is about emotional regulation—having control over your reactions and influence over yourself. Empathy is about awareness—understanding what others feel, and responding to that with intention.
Stoic empathy is the intersection of both.
It’s what allows leaders to stay calm in chaos—but still connect.
It’s what helps entrepreneurs lead without burning out—or burning bridges.
And it’s what helps parents stay grounded when life gets heavy—but still show up with love.
“You Can’t Influence the Room If You Can’t Read the Room”
Shermin’s career spanned high-stakes boardrooms and billion-dollar negotiations. Whether she was navigating fashion conglomerates or teaching law students at Northwestern, one skill kept rising to the surface:
The ability to read the room and respond with intention.
That meant knowing when to lean into empathy, and when to step back and let stoicism lead.
The challenge? Most of us are stuck on one side of the spectrum.
Some people are so empathetic they absorb everyone’s emotions and lose themselves.
Others shut off all feelings in the name of “stoicism,” not realizing that real stoicism is emotional regulation—not emotional suppression.
Stoic Empathy was written to help both sides meet in the middle.
Where Most People Get Stuck (And How to Move Forward)
Shermin’s research and coaching revealed a pattern:
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Empaths often lose their power because they over-identify with others’ emotions.
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Stoics often lose connection because they suppress vulnerability in the name of control.
Both lose influence in different ways.
But the solution isn’t to flip-flop between extremes—it’s to build a custom response system based on situation and intention. Just like you wouldn’t speak to a business partner the same way you’d speak to your best friend, you shouldn’t approach every problem with the same emotional tool.
The magic, she says, is learning to choose—not just react.
You Already Know How to Do This (Even If You Don’t Realize It Yet)
One of Shermin’s favorite examples? Parenting.
Years ago, she received traumatic news while she was with her young kids. Her instinct was to cry, scream, and fall apart but she didn’t. Not because she was lying or hiding the truth, but because she understood her audience. Her empathy for her kids helped her regulate her reaction. That’s stoic empathy in action.
And she’s seen it everywhere from boardroom deals to urban boxing gyms.
Yes, even boxing.
She shared the story of a coach in Chicago who teaches at-risk youth how to box—not to make them stronger fighters, but to teach them how to stay strategic while getting punched. It's not about avoiding emotion it’s about learning how to manage yourself under pressure.
Same goes for doctors, teachers, leaders, and anyone navigating high-stakes situations while trying to stay human.
Stoic Empathy Isn’t a Trend—It’s a Toolkit for the Future
Shermin’s vision isn’t to turn everyone into emotionless decision-makers or endlessly soft leaders.
Instead, she hopes to see a future where emotional intelligence and strategic self-regulation walk hand in hand. Where leaders can be clear-headed and compassionate. Where business relationships aren’t sacrificed for success. And where people feel more connected—not less—as they scale themselves.
Because in a world full of noise, the people who can read the room and respond with precision are the ones who will lead it.
Want to dive deeper?
Shermin’s book Stoic Empathy is available on Amazon. You can also connect with her at stoicempathy.com or follow her insights on LinkedIn.
Watch the full episode here.
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